While meeting various
parents I asked parents about their greatest fears about their kids. Without
fail, parents of girls are worried about sexual assault and what they can do to
stop their daughter from becoming a victim.
And without fail, what
I do NOT hear is parents of boys worrying about what they can do to prevent
their sons from being the cause for the same. I am also having a 9 years old
daughter and was trying hard to find how to teach our boys to be refrained from
such type of happening. Then I came across to a lady who shared her experience
of raising her 2 boy kids and I would share the same for you people who are
reading here.
For every girl that is sexually assaulted by a male
intimate partner, there is a male intimate partner perpetrating that
crime. No one wants to think that their son could be that person, hence no
one is talking about how we can help our boys not become that person but she
wanted to. She wanted to keep her name unrevealed because she thinks she could
be any mother. So here we are talking to the mothers who really most closest
person to the kids.
So, here are some of
the things she has done, as a mother of boys, to try and raise “good men”.. Or
at least raise men who will not be a part of this horrific problem, and will
hopefully be part of the solution. It is never like we believe that only
mothers are having the duty to deliver but everyone should. But hence I am
sharing a mothers experience so we will talk about the mothers part which has
really impressed me about her idea. She is blessed to came across many amazing
men who have been such an integral part of her sons journey, but this is about
what every parent, especially mums, can do... right now.
She Narrated :
TOUCH
THEM
We don’t touch boys enough. We roughhouse with them, we wrestle
with them and somewhere along the line we stop touching in gentle ways. And
this is pronounced when he becomes a teen. Don’t get me wrong, its not easy
cuddling up to a prickly hormone-fuelled, eye-rolling, hairy ball of boy, but
this is exactly the time when we need to. We need to teach them the joy, the
beauty, the ease and release to be found in loving touch. We need to show them
how it is done, so they can, in turn, share that with their partner in the future.
HAVE
AN HONOUR CODE
All kids need to know the rules, but boys need to be returned to
the idea that they are, at their core, good, decent, capable and worthy, and
above all else, that they belong to something- FAMILY. But just like belonging
to anything, there is a level of behaviour that they need to maintain. An
honour code can be led by you, but is best when it comes from all of you,
collaboratively.
Some of the things in the honour code of our family are:
- ·
Our home is a safe place for everyone
- ·
We never touch each other with violence
- ·
We fight fair, and with respect
- ·
We do not shame, and we honour mistakes
- ·
Take responsibility for what is yours - actions, words, body and
belongings
CALL
OUT THEIR MATES
Anyone who has ever set foot in our home is expected to honour
that code as well - including all my sons’ mates. And if they can’t, or won’t,
then it is up to me to help them do so. Do not be afraid to pull your son’s
mates up on behaviour that is just not good enough. Your son will need to do
this in future (god knows just how much shitty behaviour he will witness - and
it all needs calling out and dismantling) and he needs to see it in action, so
he can work out how to do it for himself. Strong bystander behaviour is
needed so much right now to change the societal gendered norms.
TEACH
HIM TO TAKE CARE OF HIS BODY
We show girls how to do their hair, their make up, their
nails... we buy them bath bombs, perfumes and lotions... we encourage them to
do “self care” in the form of beauty regimes. (NOTE: I hate this as a form of
self care for girls - more on THAT another time) But we are sadly lacking some
form of self care for boys.
Teach them the joy of caring for their body, for feeding it
nourishing food, for letting it get the rest it needs, for treating it to
massages and baths and yoga stretches. Why? Because a man that knows how good a
body can feel is much more likely to make a considerate and thoughtful lover
interested in mutual pleasure. And much less likely to go in search of bodily
state changes like drugs and alcohol. And he will smell pretty damn good
too.
ALLOW
ANGER
We all get angry and it is a damn scary emotion to have to deal
with. But we need to be unafraid of our anger, and we need to start showing
boys how to bring their anger out in safe ways. Ways that can result in
integration, and learning, instead of the harm that comes when anger is
subverted and made brittle. We need to create spaces and ways for them to
express anger - to honour that it is a real and honest emotion, a worthy
emotion. An emotion that has positive impact as well - healthy anger creates
change, sparks resistance, makes us move. But we need to recognise it, move it
through the body and then utilise it. Stop telling boys to calm down and start
giving them spaces to bring their anger and work through it.
DECONSTRUCT
MEDIA WITH HIM
Mainstream media has so much to answer for in regards to how our
views about women are shaped. Dehumanisation and hyper-sexualisation of
women is at the core of far too much advertising (still) as well as movie and
sitcom plots. It is so hugely important for us to spend the (painful) time
engaging in media with our sons and helping them to really see what is
happening. Help them get curious, help them question the way sexuality, gender
and relationships are portrayed. Help them get curious about the ethics of what
they are engaging with and wether or not it fits their own belief system, and
your family honour code. These media skills become the basis for how he
interacts with pornography further down the track. We need to create critical
thinkers.
SHOW
HIM WHO YOU ARE
The worst advice I was ever given was to never show my sons my
emotional self. Luckily, I ignored that advice. They have seen me totally broken, they have seen me utterly in
love, they have seen me ashamed of my actions, and they have seen me accept
awards for other behaviour. They have seen me fight men twice my size in
competition, and they have seen me freak out about picking up a squiggly
earthworm. They have seen me work my ass off for what I believe in, they have
seen me give without thought, they have seen my heart break with grief and they
have seen my heart break open with joy.
And from all of that they have learned that a woman is an
amazing thing. A multifaceted, deeply wild, emotional, strong, capable,
vulnerable, beautiful being. One that deserves respect, acknowledgement, care,
love, attention and above all else, safety. And they know, without
question, that they are man enough to give her those things.
These are the steps
which will ensure to make your champ a sensible and responsible human being who
will have empathy and sense for the gender equality. Its our moral duty to give
a better environment to grow to both daughter and son.
It's having a close, open relationship with your son in which
you encourage him to be exactly who he is, encourage him to be sensitive and
empathetic, and encourage him to be a good man.Having a mama's boy completely rocks — as long as you're not raising a
mama's boy in the stereotypical way. Mumma boys never disrespect women, its a
truth.
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